Don't Argue, Do This Instead: Validation

Validation, the Key to Avoiding Conflict in Relationships

When you’re arguing with your spouse, you may say or hear:
“You just don’t get it!”
“You don’t understand me!”
“Can you just listen to what I am saying?”

Or maybe you and your spouse have the same argument over and over. The issue may be different but the disagreement dance looks the same.

The problem is not what you’re disagreeing about, it’s about how you communicate with each other.

Today we’re going to fix that.

Why Validation Prevents Conflict

When someone feels validated, they are much more likely to open up and engage in constructive dialogue. On the other hand, if you dig into your bad habit and respond to their feelings with defensiveness or accusations, you risk spiraling into a destructive argument.

Why Is It So Hard to Validate Your Spouse?

If this came easy to you, you wouldn’t be reading this article. I get it, this technique sounds simple but it isn’t easy.

Here are the three top reasons people find validation difficult:

1. You Don’t Feel Understood. It’s tough to validate your spouse when you feel like they aren’t getting your point of view. Often, people get stuck in a cycle of “I’ll validate you if you validate me first,” which only sends you around in circles and keeps you from moving forward together.
2. You Think You Have to Agree. A lot of people believe that validation means agreeing, but that’s not true. You can totally disagree with someone and still validate their feelings. If you’re thinking, “They’re completely wrong!” you might resist validating because you see it as giving in. But validation isn’t about right or wrong—it’s about acknowledging the other person’s perspective.
3. You Don’t Think They Should Feel That Way. Sometimes, you might feel like your spouse’s emotions don’t “make sense” to you, and you try to convince them to feel differently. The reality is, that people experience emotions based on their own perceptions, and trying to argue them out of their feelings only adds fuel to the fire.

Common Non-Validating Responses (And Why They Don’t Work)

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say things that unintentionally dismiss or minimize our spouse’s feelings. 

Here are some examples of what non-validating responses might sound like:

• “You’re blowing this way out of proportion.” Telling someone they’re “too sensitive” is a classic way of dismissing their emotions, making them feel like their feelings are invalid (the opposite of validation :))
• “I would feel like/think of it like this.” This shifts the focus away from your spouse’s feelings and places the spotlight on your own. This can make them feel unheard or dismissed, implying that their experience is somehow wrong or that they should be feeling or reacting differently.
• “Well, you think you had a stressful day? Let me tell you what I had to deal with today.” Turning the conversation back to yourself instead of focusing on your spouse’s feelings is a sure way to shut them down.
• “Do you know how lucky you are? I do so many great things, so what if I forgot today?” Deflecting your own responsibility or minimizing the impact of something important to your spouse makes them feel unheard.
• “Here’s what you should’ve done instead…” Offering advice instead of acknowledging feelings can come across as critical, implying that your spouse has failed in some way.
• “Let’s talk about this tomorrow, I’m going to get ready for bed.” Postponing the conversation may seem harmless, but it can leave your spouse feeling like their emotions aren’t worth addressing.

While some of these responses may be well-intentioned, aiming to “make” your loved one feel better, they can sound dismissive, condescending, or even blaming. None of these approaches help validate your spouse’s feelings. 

Have you ever said something like this? Or maybe you’ve heard it yourself. How did it make you feel?

Common Missteps in Attempting to Validate

Okay, you’re ready to try this new technique after recognizing the phrases you’re not going to say anymore. Sometimes, people think they’re validating, but they miss the mark. 

Here are examples of what people often say when they think they’re validating, but aren’t:

• “I hear you, but…”
• “I get what you’re saying, and…”

You think you’re starting with good intentions, but these types of phrases quickly switch to explaining why the person shouldn’t feel that way, which misses the point entirely. 

In order to validate, you need to slow down and really listen.